Craig is here, he’s queer, get used to it. Craig was born in Porathe City, the southern province of Algeria. His proud parents were from Darova, the northern province. They married illegally against the orders of the state. But they did not let the powers that be get in the way of their love. So they fled to Porathe City where they lived for several years on the streets in the slums until his father, Tapstick, got his first break as a “gaffer” on the set of AlgeriaLive, a musical program very popular among the lower class in the Country. It was just in time too, because his mother, Pintdorak, just discovered she was pregnant and would need the $18 per week that Tapstick would bring home. Nine months later a boy was born. With a heart of gold and the soul of an angel, Pintdorak knew in that moment that his name would be Craig.
Craig’s childhood was filled with strife as the rebellion invaded his hometown and murdered his own family in front of him. He stood shaking in a closet trying not to cry in fear the rebels would hear his teadrop hit the cupboard floor. While this was very traumatizing for Craig, it did begin to give him his first taste of human flesh. As he emerged from the cupboard he looked at his parents in a bloody pile on the floor. He didn’t hesitate, he didn’t even think, he just lunged his hands into the lifeless carcass and began tearing off large chunks of flesh.
Craig spent the next decade in and out of mental institutions until his 1997 escape where he wandered for weeks through the marshland, until the Dickholes, a large gang of homosexual bikers, discovered him. They took him in, clothed him, and shared with him that special love that only bikers can give. By 2004 Craig was the leader of that gang, and he’d eaten every member, and every member of rival families. The gang war was over, and the world had Craig’s cannibalism to thank.
He will forever be remembered as a friend, a warrior, and my personal hero.
And now he’s part of a sweet podcast, so listen to it, cocksucker.
–Craig’s note: The person whom I asked to write my bio was high. I’ll let you figure out who that was.