I have no problem reading my own writing. I think a lot of it is fairly brilliant.

I think about having a girlfriend more than having sex. If the gravity of that statement doesn't strike you, you must be female.

I wear this fucking mask because you cannot handle me
Here is my real head.

-Marilyn Manson

It's just lately that I've felt the need to be with someone. Probably just chemicals in my brain. Always the cynic.

My mom once said that it drove her nuts the way my aunt would always string the word "but" into her sentences. I used to agree, but I can't anymore. The whole world's full of buts. You just can't give a cut and dried answer for anything. And anything that you can (i.e.: 2+2=4) I have no respect for.

[Later I came back to this page and appended, "I can't believe I actually wrote that".]

When I was in grade seven there was a group of kids who used to beat me up and make me feel like shit every day. I figured I'd get over it, but I never will entirely. When I'm walking around the grounds of my mind, admiring what I've built, I stumble upon the heap of scars that was grade 7. I guess a lot of people would turn around and walk to a prettier part of the garden and try to forget about it. I think this is a bad idea. I would like to beat those individuals who abused me with a heavy baseball bat. So when I come across this particular part of my brain, I stride right in. I pick up my slugger. And I go right to fucking town on those assholes.

It drives me nuts, needing to see pornography. I go to ridiculous lengths to view it, then can't remember why it was so important afterwards.

Machines. We could "live" forever through machines. People live longer and longer. It's not right. Our species was not intended to live for so long. I don't know if I believe in what I'm about to say, but it's very possible: there will be no cure for the A.I.D.S. virus (or a similar virus). Everyone will get it, and our lives will be cut much shorter. We'll probably find a cure, though. Mother nature still hasn't figured out how to get rid of us yet.

I'm getting to like walking around with my glasses off. It's easier to ignore people.

I really can't see. I'm a defective product. Aren't people like me supposed to be bred out of the species?

I can never fall asleep with the shadow of school hanging over me at night.

The more time I spend thinking, the more secrets I uncover. It's like a bunch of locks and tumblers in my brain, always clicking and moving.

"Sometimes people need time just to stop and think, and people are the only ones who can do that."

-Masamune Shirow, Ghost in the Shell

I seem to feel more than I used to. Sorrow, mostly. I never used to feel sad very often. Now I find myself feeling that way more, for split seconds I'll feel sad.

I used to say that kids deserve more credit, that they're smarter than you think, but I didn't like myself as a kid. I was too hung up on making other people happy. When I'm older, will I like myself now?

If I was a dumb kid, imagine how dumb everybody else was?

I'm the kind of person who keeps things in. Shit builds up inside me and when I let it out it's not a pretty sight. This may sound like a bad way to handle things, but think of the other type. The kind that let it out regularly. One minute they're happy, then they're angry, then they're happy again. People like that drive me fucking nuts.

I can't fall in love with someone who I do not find physically attractive. It's society's biggest hook on me. Could I fall in love with an ugly person if we were the last two people? Of course, I'm assuming the psychotic devotion burn out thing is what you call love.

I suppose that having less people wouldn't change much. People would still group together – it'd be the same.

Masamune Shirow says that people are flawed and make mistakes in order to stumble upon new ideas, which helps us survive. It makes sense. We're just programs. Complex programs, but programs none the less.

I feel very fortunate to have been born with such an advanced mind. Many people will never reach my level of thinking. We are not all created equal – some people are just as dense as God. I wonder if I'll advance much further – I'm only 17. How far can a human mind advance? If we were to live "forever", would we advance to the point where we would grind to a halt, seeing no point in continuing to exist? Would society collapse? Or would our minds hit a limit and just not get any "smarter"?

I don't expect people to agree with me, but I do expect them to understand my point of view. Apparently, that's expecting too much.

I read back about some of the terrible feelings I've had about my brother, in old notebooks, and I wonder how I ever could've felt that way. Then we get ugly at one another and they all come back.

I was talking to a girl on [internet chat program] The Resort. Her real name was Jaime, but she's lightbulb to me. She's 18 and in college, says she hates it and is a carbon copy of me. We seem to think on the exact same level. When I mentioned that I thought 99% of all people are idiots, she said "Only 99%?". Unbelievable.

I'm only really interested in talking to girls lately. I've got guys figured out – I want to see if girls are the same. People say they aren't. People are wrong a lot.