I'm standing in the shower with my eyes closed, trying to masturbate, but it's too humid. I can't concentrate. But I keep at it, thinking of Kirsten, of how amazing her body would look wet and soapy, and how it would feel so good to stand behind her and run my hands over her, cupping her breasts while I gently kissed the side of her neck...

I'm losing it. I'm rubbing myself but the sensation isn't rising. It's too humid in here... I switch to thinking about guys; that's what I always used to think about. It hasn't been that long since things got fucked up, so I think about a guy. Not any guy in particular, just a good-looking guy standing in his shower. His eyes are closed, he's stroking his dick, and I imagine that he's thinking about me, that the pleasure flowing through him is heightened by envisioning my body. He wants me so much, he wants to touch me... He wants to fuck me, and it's working, I feel a spark and grab ahold of it.

I let my mind fall deeper and deeper into semi-consciousness as my breathing starts getting heavier. Things move and change in my brain until the guy becomes a few guys, and they're not thinking of me, they're thinking of Kirsten. Kirsten's there with them and I feel like I'm getting close as I imagine her naked on her knees, a dick in each hand, sucking-

My eyes spring open and my hands fly from my body. No no no no, I don't want to think that, I can't do that. I can't degrade her like that, how could I think that? I turn the hot water almost all the way off and let the cold pound against my skin for a few seconds. She deserves better than that, I can't believe I let my mind wander that way. I can't believe I was liking it, that was just completely... No, I was just caught up. I didn't know what I was thinking, I was just in the swell and things got confused.

I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around myself, and when I walk back to my room and see Kirsten I realize how worked up I still am, and how little good the blast of cold water had done. She's sitting on my bed in a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, holding a beer, and I feel a tingle between my legs as some of what I'd been thinking a minute ago flares back to life.

I take a deep breath, sending my body a message of suppression, and it seems to work. We're not thinking that is what I tell myself, and I think somewhere deep down, my inner self understands.

I can tell by the way Kirsten leans forward clumsily to greet me that she's already drunk. There's the remains of a six-pack sitting on the floor next to the bed, and she tilts her can at me as she says, "Hey, sit down."

"Hold on, I need to get dressed."

"Sit down," she repeats, grabbing my arm and yanking me toward her. "There's something I want to tell you." I sit carefully next to her, and she shifts so that we're closer together. "I'm sorry I went behind your back with Nishi," she says. "And I'm sorry I've been so distant. Hey, look at me." She puts an arm around my naked shoulder and I turn my head to find her staring straight at me, our faces only an inch or two apart. Her breath smells very distinctly of beer. "I didn't mean to make things harder. I wanted them to be easier." She keeps looking straight at me as she says, "I love you, Clover. You're my best, bestest friend."

I smirk and pull away slightly. "Jesus Kirsten, you're drunker than hell."

"No," she says, "I mean, I might be saying things I wouldn't normally say, I know that, but they're still true. I love you. I love you more than anybody."

I don't know what to do but sit there staring at her. Somewhere deep in my stomach things are going insane, but they're staying far enough from the forefront that I can keep them repressed. Her expression looks sincere, but her eyes are blurry. Finally I say, "How many beer have you had?"

"This is my fourth one. My fifth one. I was gonna save more for you, but... they got drank."

"That's a pretty good number for a school night, even for you."

"I know. Clover. Clover?" She puts down her beer and drapes her other arm around my neck, one arm on each shoulder, her fingers crossed behind my head. I turn more fully toward her as she says, "You didn't say it for me."

I smile and put my hands around her waist, still looking straight into her eyes. The feelings that had been hiding in my stomach rise up and start to fill me, and it feels so good... I feel happiness starting to travel through my skin, and very slight tears start to form in my eyes as I say, "I love you too. I love you so much it hurts."

Instead of smiling, she looks a little unsure. "You're just saying that, so I won't be embarrassed."

"No, I mean it. I really mean it. Come here." I pull her closer and she rests her head against my shoulder as I pull my arms around her. "I love you so much," I whisper in her ear. "You're the best thing in my entire life. If I ever lost you, I don't even know what I'd do. I can't lose you."

This time she seems satisfied, smiling with her eyes closed as she keeps her head rested against me. I squeeze her a little tighter and she hugs me back, and my brain is just going crazy. I'm sure it'll take forever to sort this all out, because right now it's like there's nothing but a giant ball of light in my head, a warm, absolute glow that's filling my entire body. I don't think of her being drunk, I don't think of how she probably only has platonic intentions, all I think about is the feeling of her body in my arms, the wonderful smell of her hair, the touch of the side of her face against my breast. The glow turns a million different colors, it moves through both our bodies, it fills every moment of my life, every day of my past, every second of my future. The feeling of Kirsten connected to me spreads until it takes precedence over everything, travelling far enough to bathe the entire universe.

Eventually I come back to reality just enough to recognize my room again, and I feel her move very slightly, signaling to me that she wants to sit up. I pull my arms back, but not all the way. I don't want to take them off her, so I leave them down by her hips, even after she takes her arms from me. She's smiling, her eyes puffy, and she says, "Good. I was afraid I made you mad, and I just wanna know that you're with me."

"Of course, don't even question that. Is that why you got so drunk? You know you don't have to worry about that, I love you." I'm getting drunk on telling her I love her, I can't stop saying it.

"No, not because of that. I didn't mean to drink so much, I was just feeling kinda... I was nervous. It's nothing."

"You're nervous about Nishi tomorrow?" She starts to shake her head and I add, "Because you should be."

"Oh, come on," she says, pulling far enough away for my hands to fall from her. "I got over that. It was just a temporary worry."

"You got over it because you're drunk. I don't want you getting drunk tomorrow. You have to see him sober."

"It's not like they're bad guys."

"Weren't you the one who had the rapist dream about them and me?"

"Yeah, but I have dreams about you all the time," she says, glancing at me from the side. "It was a little skin-crawling at first, but when I thought about it it was just dumb. They're only a couple of boys, and the fact is that you got Nishi a lot worse than he got you."

"You think?"

"Definitely. And until you depants him, that was probably the best couple days of his life. He saw you naked. That's just... so crazy. I bet he couldn't even believe it. He probably masturbated himself into oblivion because of that."

I grin. "You think?"

She slides over and puts her arm back around my neck, and I smell her beer breath again as she leans in close. "Don't doubt it for a second. You're fucking hot Clove, you could have any guy you wanted so fast..."

I blush a little as I keep grinning. "So could you. You're the most beautiful girl at school, you're the most gorgeous girl in this whole city." She smiles to herself as her head drops demurely. "There are other pretty girls, but they're nothing compared to you. I mean, the two of us, can you imagine if we were lovers?" I know I'm saying the wrong thing, but I'm holding my brain down deliberately, not letting it cross-examine any of my thoughts before I say them. "It would depress all the guys so bad, seeing us holding hands while we walked down the hall, knowing that just like that, we're both completely off the market. That'd get people masturbating to sleep. Students and teachers, they'd all just die."

She keeps looking down as she laughs, which finally degenerates into a couple of smiling snorts. "That's true," she says. "We could do that," and one of her fingers comes up to pull a little at the top of my towel. I have no idea what she's doing, but I watch as she runs her finger in a small pattern across the exposed skin on my upper chest. The pressure of her finger leaves a brief white trail on my skin, and then she takes her hand away. "We really would be the talk of the school," she says. "We'd be famous. I bet if we necked in the cafeteria like all the goon couples do we'd get suspended."

"Yeah," I say, looking straight at her, holding my face neutral, waiting for her to look up at me. "It'd be a scandal."

"And then we'd be shunned by all of girlkind," she says, poking me once more just below the collarbone. "Except for some of those crazy punk girls, and Clugs."

"Why not Clugs?"

"Are you kidding?" She finally looks up at me. "She's a total lesbian. She'd be into it more than anybody. I can tell from a mile away." She reaches down for the last beer and backs off from me to open it, then takes a drink.

After her swig I take the can and have a drink myself. "Have you met a lot of lesbians?"

She frowns a little. "I dunno. Yeah, there were a couple, had to be. They were kinda low key, but it's obvious. Just the way that they look at you. And they're creepy, they always look like Clugstone's testosterone offspring. If I wanted to fuck somebody who looked like a guy, I'd go find a fucking guy."

"Yeah, but I'm sure all lesbians don't look like that. There are probably piles of hot ones." I look down at the floor as I try to decide what else to say, and feel her laying back on my bed. For a little while I look at my bedroom door, finishing the beer, waiting for her to say something, and when I finally turn around she's asleep.

All of a sudden I get frozen, looking at her. Her face is so beautiful that I can't even comprehend it. The lines of her face, the way it all flows together, I can't contain the idea of how perfect it is inside my head. Looking in magazines for other girls I could love was missing the point, because I know Kirsten. I've known her for years, hundreds of hours of our lives have been spent talking to each other. I know what she thinks of so many things, I know how she'll react to almost any situation. She and I are connected, our minds overlap, and when I think of the things I know about her, about what a smart, vibrant, strong person she is, and I see that beautiful face... It's too much. I've spent years growing up on this earth, and I've never found anything as amazing as this. Not even close. I think of my crucifix necklace, and I think there has to be a god. There has to be a design that led to this perfect creature. There's no way this could have been an accident. Kirsten is what god intended. All the planning and all the evolution, it all led to her. She was no accident.

I try to think back to the first time I met her, but I can't remember it... I remember the year, I remember we were in the same class, and I remember we were friends by the time Christmas break came. But I don't remember the first time I saw her. And now here I am, looking down at her, and I can't even imagine being here, at this point in my life, without knowing her. So many little things could have happened that would have stopped us from meeting, and for a quick second I feel terrified. I don't feel like we were destined, I feel like we're the luckiest people on earth, that we actually met, when so many things could have gotten in the way. But now that we're together, it's alright. We'll stay together, we'll keep growing closer, we're on a course. Now that we've gotten past the element of luck, good things are all that can come. We're inevitable.

Were all of those years since I first saw her leading me to this? Did I know the way I loved her right from the start, and did it only take this long for it to finally grow enough for me to see it? Is it still growing in her? I think I just have to be patient, until she sees things the same way I do. This is just the next step. I brush a strand of hair away from her eyes; she just needs to say what she said today without alcohol on her breath. I just have to wait a little longer.

I try to make her more comfortable, kneeling down at the foot of the bed and unlacing her shoes. I pull them off, then take off her socks and ball one up, holding it against my nose. It doesn't smell very good, but I hold it there for a moment anyway. That's probably pretty weird, I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't touch her at all, I should just leave her where she is.

I say her name as I stand up, then repeat it a little louder. She doesn't move, and I stand still for another minute, looking at her. I get caught so easily. Once I'm looking at her, there's nothing else I want to do. I move closer, until my face is near hers. Of all the people in the world she could have ended up living near and going to school with, she ended up with me. There are a lot of people out there, thousands who we could connect with, who we each could truly and mutually fall in love with. There are more compatible people for us in the world than we could ever get to know in our lifetime, and Kirsten may only be one of those thousands, but even among them, she's gotta be special. I'm sure that she's the only one of all those thousands who's a girl.

I reach down to her shirt, knowing that I could probably take it off without waking her. Again I tell myself that I'm just making her more comfortable, but this time it really rings false, so I stop. I leave her laying on top of the sheets, still mostly clothed, and drop my towel as I'm about to get into bed, then glance back at Kirsten. She's out, definitely, her breathing's already slow and deep. I go to her one last time, looking down at her body, and see a small line of drool starting to fall down her cheek. I smile as I wipe it off with my finger, then put my finger in my mouth. After hesitating for another moment I crawl onto the bed with her. I give her a small kiss on the cheek, then lay down next to her, nuzzling myself against her neck, smelling her. I pull myself closer, my breasts pressing up against her, and plant another small kiss on her cheek. I lay there for awhile, feeling the rise and fall of her chest, wrapping one of my legs carefully around hers.

I lay there long enough that my mind re-focuses with a start as I realize I'd almost fallen asleep. I quietly get up and go to my own bed, my heart pounding. Kirsten is still asleep as I turn out the light, I'm sure she has no idea, but a certain amount of fear is stuck with me as I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. Waking up with a hangover and your best friend lying naked with you... Jesus christ, that would be insane. That would make everything blow up. Fuck, I can't believe I did that. I can't let anything like that happen again.

I can't help masturbating a little bit, trying to keep it quiet, and eventually I fall into a shallow, dream-filled sleep. Most of my dreams are angry and are about Kirsten and Nishi and me, and I wake up in the morning feeling a little disturbed. My dreams had been getting nice and random again lately, and it's uncomfortable for them to suddenly be so preoccupied. I don't think a person's subconscious is supposed to obsess over the same thing all night long.

I get up and yawn with my bedsheet wrapped around me and see that Kirsten's not there. I glance at my clock and notice that I'm late for school. I'm surprised she didn't wake me. I get dressed and start walking, and when I finally get to school she's not there either.

I call her house at noon but nobody's home. I wait through the whole day, but she never shows up. After school I go to her house and let myself in, but the place is deserted until her mother comes home from work. Mrs. McCoy also hasn't heard from Kirsten, so I finally go back to my own house and wait for her to call.

Eventually late afternoon turns into early evening and this is getting ridiculous. Is she hiding from me? Did something happen? A cold shiver runs down my back when I think that maybe she woke up while I was laying with her last night. Maybe she saw me there naked and was only pretending to be asleep to keep from embarrassing us. No, there's no way. She was drooling, she was out. That would be a fucking nightmare. It must be something else, and finally I decide to go wait at Nishi's house. Tonight is their big date. She's bound to show up there eventually.