chapter           ten

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Kirsten stretches and yawns as we walk to the mall, holding the back of her hand against her mouth. "You sure you're awake?" I ask. "We could always go back to your house and snuggle up for awhile."

She gives me an odd look and I smile disarmingly, but the rest of the walk feels just the tiniest bit strained. I make a note to avoid saying any more stupid stuff.

After we've been at the mall for about twenty minutes she has to go to the bathroom, so I wait at the food court as she disappears around the corner.

My gaze drifts across the court, and when my eyes connect with Adam he's already looking at me. He gives me a sort of smirk and looks away, so at least he's not diving over the table trying to kill me. In fact, he doesn't look angry at all. I glance in the direction of the bathroom, then head to his table.

I sit down across from him and he glances at me. "Hey."

"Hi," I say. "So, how you doing?"

He almost laughs. "What are you even doing here? Don't you know you're the enemy? We're not supposed to consort."

I give myself a halfhearted smile as I glance down at the table. "So Nishikado's really mad?"

"Yeah, you could say he's a little upset."

"Is he planning anything? Come on Adam, you've gotta tell me. All I did was defend myself, he saw me naked first, it was only retribution."

"Yeah, but the whole school didn't see you naked like they did him." He rests an arm against the back of his chair as he looks out over the food court. "If he's got any big revenge schemes planned, I haven't heard them. I don't think you've got anything to worry about."

"But if you find out anything you'll tell me, right? I need to be prepared. You'll help me, won't you?"

He smirks. "You want me to turn against my friend for you? Why should I? What have you got to offer?"

Almost without thinking I glance down at my tits, and I wish I hadn't. I can see the change in his eyes immediately.

"I'll do it for a blowjob," he says, and I look at the ceiling. "One blowjob and you're protected, I'll make sure nothing goes down without you knowing." He laughs to himself. "Haha, goes down..."

"Come on, don't pull this perv shit on me. I'm serious."

"I'm serious too." I start to get up and he says, "No, wait! No blowjob, just a handjob. You don't even hafta look, you just gotta stroke it for a few minutes. Come on, that's a bargain! Come on!"

I go wait for Kirsten by the bathroom door and tell her about my little meeting as we continue to walk around the mall. "You should do it," she says, stopping to check the price on an outfit. "Really, it's a small price to pay." This time I give her the odd look and she smiles, and the small strain I felt earlier disappears. Good. We're back to normal.

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When we get home Kirsten starts talking to my brother, and it wouldn't be bad if she just talked, but she kind of flirts with him, the same way she does with everybody. It's like she can't talk with someone of the male gender without taking it too far, so I just tune out and get myself something to eat. Then we both go to my room and I ask her why she has to act like that around him.

"Like what?" she asks, and I realize that I can't really pinpoint what it is. It's just a feeling, an attitude that she has.

"Well... How can you be so friendly? Don't you remember what he was like?"

She shrugs. "I guess. But that was years ago, wasn't it? What does it matter now?"

"I don't know, I just hate it how everyone forgets. It was the same back then, he'd go on some rampage and the next day everyone but me would pretend it didn't happen. It's like, if you take everything that makes you respect someone and then remove it, you've got him."

"I don't know, you hate him, you hate Adam and Nishikado, maybe it's not a respect thing. Maybe you just hate anyone with a dick."

"No, it's not that. It's just these people who don't... who aren't..."

"What?"

"You know, like us! We don't go out of our way to fuck with people, we don't lie to each other, we're good. Those guys aren't good. My brother buckles like a belt at any little problem, Nishikado's a pervert and Adam's too much of a bitch to do anything but tag along with him. I've got nothing against men, it's just that they aren't men."

"So the only person you've got any respect for is me, huh?" Kirsten grins and hooks a hand around my neck, pulling my head against her chest. "Poor little Clover, nobody understands you..."

I gotta smile at the way she gets so physical around me, since she's never anything less than ladylike around everyone else. I really don't want to press the issue of her behavior around guys too much, I'm already feeling a little ill at ease. With my brother I can say anything, I can fling huge sledgehammers of verbal assault and the next day it doesn't really matter, but me and Kirsten are connected. If I exert the slightest pressure on her I feel it reflected back on me. I'm happy when she's happy, but whenever I do anything to push... it's like, if I move a part of my body, her body will move too. We're attached. She likes me enough that she allowed us to get that close, so I have to be careful not to abuse it. I could guilt and passively bully her into changing her behavior, but I have to be careful not to. I have to be more gentle with her.

But really, while these thoughts are running through the back of my head, what's really on my mind is the way my head is pressed against one of her tits as she ruffles my hair. I feel her body language turn a little suspicious when she realizes that I'm not trying to escape, so I pull away and without missing a beat say "Hey, my mom bought me this new dress I want you to try on."

"Why'd she do that?" Kirsten asks as I go to the closet. "When's the last time you wore a dress?"

"Christmas two years ago. Mom said if I wore one I wouldn't have to buy her a present. She got me this one just in the hopes that I'd wear it, I think." I hand her the dress and say, "I do kind of like it, it looks good, but I'd be mortified if she ever caught me in it. Try it on so I can see what it looks like."

She lays the dress on my bed as she starts to unbutton her jeans, and I turn around to give her some modesty. After a moment I start to watch her in the mirror on the closet door as she steps out of her jeans. She probably wouldn't even care that I'm watching her in her underwear, putting on a dress, but I still feel a giddiness in my belly like I'm some boy who's just pulled off a perverted prank. She leans over and my eyes rivit themselves to the sight of her panty-covered ass. Man, that fucker Nishi would be proud of me.

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Before I go to sleep that night I masturbate while I think about the image of Kirsten in her panties, and the feeling on my head pressed gently against her breast.

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Huh, look at this.

I'm searching through a box of stuff in my closet and find an old crucifix necklace my grandmother gave to me. That was years ago, and it was so weird... I always got along with her alright, but we were never really close. Whenever she'd visit I'd talk to her some and listen to a few stories, doing the standard granddaughter thing. But one day she took me aside into the room that no one uses, where my mom keeps all her expensive furniture, and sat me down. She put the cross in my hand, keeping her hand rested on mine, and she started telling me the story of this necklace.

I don't remember the lineage anymore, but this cross has been in the family for a long time. She told me all about the people who'd owned it and I looked down at the crucifix while she talked, but when I eventually looked up at her there were tears in her eyes. I couldn't figure out how an inanimate object could mean so much to somebody, but I clued in when she told me she was going to die soon. She couldn't cry about her own life, but she could transfer it over to this cross hanging on a chain. Maybe, I don't know.

So she handed it over and told me to take care of it, so I put it in a box in the back of my closet and haven't looked at it since. Looking at it again I definitely don't feel any of the things my grandmother felt for it, but I didn't really know any of the people who owned it. I kind of wish I'd remembered who it belonged to, it wouldn't have killed me to commit a few names to memory. I don't know why she gave it to me and not my mom. I guess with her business demeanor Gram knew that mom wouldn't care about it, so being the only other girl she decided to try her luck with me.

Whatever lives this cross was a part of, whatever hardships it helped my relatives endure, I have no idea. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me; if someone asked me about the trials of my life I'd have nothing to tell them. But I could always start a new chain. Whatever significance this crucifix had is gone now, because I was too lazy to pay attention to my grandmother for ten minutes, but I can give it new significance. The fact that I want to have sex with my best friend is literally the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and that may not sound very impressive if I were to pass this cross on someday, but how impressive were the stories of the wars and depressions the previous owners had if I can't even remember them? This isn't about impressing someone else with your troubles, it's about working through them yourself, personally.

Not that I intend to pass it on to anyone, this chain will end with me, but at least I can imbue the heirloom with a bit of my time, I can let some of my life rub off on it before I put it away again. I'll keep it with me long enough that my grandmother can know in some cosmic sense that I cared at least a little bit.

I slip the chain around my neck and let the cross fall between my breasts. I didn't even have tits when Gram gave this to me. I was more like a little boy, and I was happy to stay that way. Not that I don't want to be a woman; I'll just have to make the best of the way things have ended up. You and me, cross, we'll fight the good fight. I'm sure we'll get through this together. And then I can throw your antique ass in the river.

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It's a bit chilly outside so I'm wearing a jacket as I walk downtown. It's pretty late when I come to a church, and I stop. I've been inside it a few times, for christmas mostly, and as I look up at the steeple against the black sky I lose track of time for a few moments. Eventually I decide to go inside. Maybe it's the cross, it must have me thinking religious.

The church is completely deserted, and as I look around it really amazes me how nice it is. Nice and big, this place must be expensive as hell. I can't fathom what would make anybody wanna become a priest, or even just to go to church every week, but when nobody else is around it's sorta nice. I walk between the pews and stop at the first row; I don't want to walk up to the altar, just in case somebody shows up. Instead I take a seat in the center of the pew on the left, looking up at the ceiling, marveling at the work that was put into this place. Eventually my eyes wander down to the padded thing you're supposed to kneel on, so I give it a try. I'm kneeling there, still looking around, and one of my hands makes its way into my jacket pocket. Inside is a pair of panties I got from Kirsten's laundry bin. I figure we borrow each other's clothes all the time, so it's really no big deal.

God, I think, still looking up at the ceiling, my fingers kneading the material in my pocket. Please give me the strength not to lust after Kirsten. Amen. I glance around to make sure I'm still alone, then pull the panties from my pocket. I put them to my face and they don't quite have the right scent, they still mostly smell just like panties, but I take a large breath and close my eyes. God, scratch my last prayer. Instead, please give me the power to make Kirsten fall in love with me. I want to marry her and live with her forever. Thank you very much, you lesbian hating bastard.

I get up and walk to the altar, keeping my eyes peeled for any signs of activity. "I leave you this offering so you might grant my wish," I whisper, then leave the panties in the center, on top of the giant bible. I put my hands in my jacket pockets as I walk back outside, grinning.

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