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nine |
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I just woke up from a dream where Kirsten and I had to go to different colleges, but I was more worried about mandatory classes and mounting debts than the fact that I'd never see her again. It seemed weird, and I feel a little disoriented as I go to the kitchen to get some breakfast, but I guess I should be thankful. It's a lot better than waking up after dreaming about having sex with her. I pick up the phone and give Kirsten's house a call. It's about 10:30 on a Saturday morning, but her mom tells me she's not awake yet. I hang up the phone and almost have a heart attack as I turn around and see my brother leaning against the counter, grinning at me. He gets a box of cereal from the cupboard and says, "First thing in the morning and you're already calling her. That chick's got you hooked hard, doesn't she?" Nothing unusual about this, he's always looking for some perverted way to make me feel uncomfortable. I had no idea he was coming home for the weekend, but he usually doesn't hang around too long, and there's not much I can do but put up with him. "I don't blame you," he continues. "I always thought girls who didn't admit they like other girls were full of shit. Not to mention that Kirsten's one hot as hell chick." "Hey, shut up." "Surely you've noticed how her jeans wrap around her ass. I mean, you're the one who wants to fuck her." "Will you fuck off? Don't talk about her like that. And why does everyone keep saying shit like that?" It's not the first time my brother's called me a lesbian, but this time it affects me a lot more. Maybe I really am giving off some kind of vibe that I didn't before. "Just because you're friends with a guy, does that mean you want to fuck them too?" He waves my comment away dismissively. "It's not the same. Girls are sexy, guys are ugly. Except ugly girls, who are also ugly." He watches me for a second before asking, "So everyone thinks you two are lesbians?" "Not everyone, just this one fucking kid at school." I start to grin a little. "He actually hasn't had the balls to show up for a few days, since I taught him about keeping his mouth shut." "What'd you do?" I break into a full smile. "Everyone at school now knows first hand how small his dick is." I don't mind my brother sometimes, everything's a lot easier when I get along with him, but I have a hard time forgetting how he was a couple of years ago. He was a total asshole, hitting drugs hard, stealing things from my parents to sell. He never touched my stuff, but he caused too much strife for me to let it go. Days like today he's just being his usual self, but it only takes a second sometimes for him to revert to being a true asshole, and in the back of my mind I'm always vaguely waiting for it to happen. "Just because he called you a lesbian?" he asks. "And some other things." "Sounds kinda harsh. I mean, it's not like there's no evidence. You and Kirsten aren't exactly unprecedented." I furrow my brow. "What's that supposed to mean?" "You always had a lot of guys for friends as a kid, and you always had one female friend who you obsessed about and doted over." He takes a bite of cereal, then smirks. "I can't believe you never noticed that. It's a total pattern." I don't say anything, a little speechless despite the fact that I know he's wrong. "I'm not saying you've been a lesbian your entire life, you were probably too young to think about rubbing against some other girl's gash for most of it, but your one-on-one connections have always been with girls." I think back reflexively and give him an angry look, and he raises his hands. "Hey, I'm just trying to get you in touch with your inner dyke. No sense keeping it all bottled up." I relax as I open the fridge. "Well thanks a lot," I say, "but I know I like guys, so your theorizing is way off." "No reason you can't like both. Probably better off if you do." "And why's that?" "Well there's no sense missing out on the joys of having sex with a girl. I mean, living your whole life only sleeping with big hairy guys... what the hell kind of life is that?" "So you're saying bisexuality would be fine for me, but not for you, because that would involve being with a man." I get some orange juice and pour myself a glass. "Right. At least with you there'd be a chick involved at all times, by default. All man is all bad." "I hate that shit, how two guys can't fuck because it's gay. Somehow that makes you less of a man, to fuck another guy?" "Two guys having sex... Yeah, I'd say so. Nothing too manly about that." "No, that's wrong. That's the most manly. Having sex with a woman, there's nothing masculine about that. These fucking people who wear make-up and perfume and dresses and who watch shitty romance movies and cry at the end – if you desire something like that you're not masculine. It makes you a total pussy. Like you can't wear a dress yourself, so you want to connect with somebody who can. People are completely backwards." He smirks. "Right. I think you're the one who's backwards." "It's all just mental conditioning, the way people are raised. If everyone was raised the way I see things the whole world would be different and nobody'd think twice about it." "Despite the overwhelming historical bias toward men fucking women in all cultures, and the obvious biological benefits?" "Well, obviously you'd fuck chicks to have kids, but for fun it'd be men. Men when you were feeling manly and women when you were feeling like a little mincy faggot. Those greeks had it right. They were real men." "Fine, whatever. The gender barriers are down and you can fuck whoever you want. The question then is, being a not particularly girlish girl, do you want to fuck some man, or a perfume and dress wearing chick?" He raises his eyebrows and gives me a look like he's trying to sell me something. "What are you doing, trying to make me a lesbian? Besides, Kirsten doesn't wear dresses." "There are a lot of advantages to being a lesbian. I wouldn't have to worry about you getting knocked up by some guy, for instance." "Yeah, I'm sure you spend a lot of time worrying about that." "Also I was thinking if I told chicks at school that my sister's a lesbian it might help goad them into wacky threesomes and shit. Maybe I'll use your speech about same sex gender lines instead." "That only works if you wanna fuck other men. But by all means, feel free." "Ah, I'm just ribbing you anyway," he says, I guess finally getting bored of the conversation. "It's for your own good that you're not into Kirsten." I glance at him. "Why's that?" "She's way too pretty. Trust me, you don't want a pretty girlfriend. It's nothing but a nightmare, other people always checking her out, always being worried that she's got her eye on somebody else, you can never feel comfortable. The whole thing seems way too temporary, 'cause you know she's got a dozen unspoken offers everywhere she goes and you're just waiting for somebody to step in and take her." He shudders. "Bad, bad stuff." "Maybe it's just that you're not much of a boyfriend. If you had some kind of a spine you wouldn't be so worried about people leaving you." "Say what you want, but it's true. If you're with someone beautiful you always feel it, no matter how in love you are. A lot of other people are willing to go really far out of their way to fuck you up and pick up the pieces. Usually not directly, but it happens. Going out with someone less attractive is the way to go. Not ugly, but not beautiful. Like my new girlfriend," he says, looking smug. "She's perfect. She looks absolutely fine, except her nose is a little bit too long and has this kinda weird looking flat spot." He touches the bridge of his nose. "It's just enough to get her out of the high-end meat-market, and it makes all the difference. She's not interested in looking around, she's happy right where she is, so I don't have to worry about her." "And it makes it so much easier to neglect her and take her for granted, right? So much more comfortable." "So what? I don't want to have to dote after somebody all the time just 'cause she's my girlfriend. That's the other problem with beautiful people, they flex their muscles too much, getting people to jump through hoops just for the hell of it. Shallow fuckers," he concludes, finishing his cereal. "You probably notice it anyway," he continues. "People looking at her, making advances. Even as a friend, that must bug you. Though you probably get your share too, what with that rack you've grown on you." He gestures with his spoon. I cross my arms. "As my brother, I'd really prefer that you pretend not to notice. Anyway, all your pothead theorizing isn't applicable, because Kirsten's not some shallow beauty queen." I pause, then say, "And at the end of the day, she's not that good looking." He exhales slowly. "If you say so, but speaking as a responsible, mature adult, she's fucking hot. Really hot." He laughs. "If you were a better lesbian you'd have noticed." "Why don't you just move along?" I say, waving in the direction of the living room. "I'm sure there's something on tv for you to watch." "There is, actually," he says, walking out of the room. He turns on the tv then stretches out on the couch, scratching his stomach. I rinse his bowl and put it in the dishwasher. "If mom asks, tell her I'll be back tonight," I call as I walk out the back door. Kirsten'll probably be awake by the time I get to her house.
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