The bus drops me off and I walk down the street to Kirsten's house. The biggest difference between our houses is that her neighborhood is always quiet while mine's always full of traffic. There aren't even any people around, just row after row of quiet houses. I walk up her driveway and find the front door locked. There's a key hidden in the space behind her mailbox, so I fish it out and let myself in, locking the door behind me.

I drop my bookbag in the hallway and look around for Kirsten. She's asleep in her room, still fully clothed, laying on top of her blankets. That run really must have taken a lot out of her. I stand in her doorway for a moment, watching her, then go to the kitchen to get myself something to eat.

I just grab a few cookies, because I know she'll be hungry when she wakes up and we can eat together. I glance around for something to keep me occupied and consider turning on the tv, but when I get up I find myself walking back to her room, not thinking about it too much, just letting my feet take me. I walk into her room and sit down carefully on the bed next to her, smiling down at her as I brush some hair from her face. This is the second time I've done this, and she frowns a little in her sleep. I wonder what she's thinking about? Probably nothing. It's like she's gone for a while, completely disappeared with only her body left here. Before my brother left the house I remember it being a relief when he was asleep, to end his reign of numbskull terror for a while, but with Kirsten it's nothing like that. I want her to wake up, I want her back.

I lean down and place my head next to hers. I smell the skin of her neck, the scent of her hair... I should leave, but I want to stay here. I nuzzle my head just above her shoulder and breathe in.

On my way to the shower I tell myself that I'll never do that again. What would she think if she caught me? I'm the person she trusts in her house while she's asleep, the last person who should be doing things like this. It would have been a total disaster if she'd woken up. She talks about boys often enough that I know she'd never allow things to go this way. I talk about boys, I like boys, I don't like women, I'm not a lesbian. This is just... we're friends. I spend most of my time with her, it's normal that I'd care about her. There's nothing unusual about that. She's important to me, I don't want anything to happen to her, I want to protect her. That's absolutely normal.

In her bathroom I pull off my shirt and catch a glance of my face in the mirror. I'm frowning, and if I hadn't seen it I never would have realized. I tend to walk around like that most of the day, it's just the normal reaction I have to people, the normal response. That's gotta be another part of it; if I spend all day being annoyed by people, always on the offensive, and then I talk to this one girl and always smile, this one person who always makes me feel glad, of course I'm going to be drawn to her. This isn't romantic love, this isn't sexual attraction, it's friendship. The full extent of it is just hitting me a little hard, that's all. Once it settles down this will make us stronger friends than ever. I just wish she'd wake up so I could stop thinking about this. Once we're together everything'll come easy, everything will seem natural and I can forget all this scrutiny.

In the shower I spend most of my time focusing on my breasts. Not in any pleasurable way, more wishing that I didn't have them. When I look down at my body it looks strong, well defined, really beautiful except for these two bags of fat on my chest. They're unnatural. They get in the way, and they usually start to hurt after I run far enough. I'd be so much better off without them. As far as tits go I'm better off than most people, at least in the roaming eyes of the perverts of the world, but if I had a choice I'd definitely get rid of them.

While I'm washing myself I decide to masturbate. I'm not really in the mood, but this is the only chance I'll have until I get home, so I want to take advantage of it. It only takes a minute to get into a groove, and I'm thinking of men, only men, but as my hand between my legs starts to move faster my focus slowly changes. I realize that it's not so much the men themselves that turn me on, but the way they react to me, the way they perceive me. I focus on the dynamic between male and female bodies, then let the male body go and think about the female body, which inevitably turns into Kirsten's body. I knew this was going to happen, but I can't stop myself. I go with it, I close my eyes and dwell on her image, and I'm smiling as I bring myself to a long, wonderful orgasm. I slouch a little and catch my breath. There's no reason to deny it, I'm in love with her. I totally love that girl, I'm just lying to myself to pretend anything else.

I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around myself, then go to her room to get some clothes. I start looking through her stuff, but my head turns to watch her sleep. I smile and crawl carefully onto her bed, still wearing the towel, my face over hers. I watch her as a few drops of water from my hair fall on to her face and she starts to wake up. When she sees me she jumps a little and says, "Jesus! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry," I say, still watching her. "You mind if I borrow some clothes?"

"No, of course not." She watches me slightly strangely as I continue smiling, then I crawl back off her.

"You hungry?" I ask as I pull out a shirt and start looking through her pants.

"Yeah. But you're buying this time."