I try not to jump up when the doorbell rings, and make myself walk slowly to the front door. I pause for a moment to smooth my hair, then open it.

David stands there, dressed in a dark blue sweater and jeans. He's holding flowers and is the very embodiment of cute. He smiles at me and says "Hey, squirt."

I step out of the way to let him in, glancing down. I don't know why he does stuff like that. "Alice is still upstairs," I tell him, "so you better get comfortable."

He sits down on the couch and I go sit with him, but only to watch tv. I even raise the remote just enough to look like I'm actually going to use it before I turn to him. "David?" I say.

"Sarah?" he replies.

"Why do you like my sister?"

"Why wouldn't I like your sister?" is his dumb answer, and I give him a look to let him know how dumb he is.

My sister is a total emotional cripple. I don't know what happened, if it had something to do with our dad, I don't know. But when Alice talks, which isn't often, you can barely hear her. She's like a ghost. "C'mon, don't be retarded," I say. "Tell me what it is."

"You shouldn't say that. Show some respect for retarded people."

"Maybe my sister's retarded. Did you ever think of that? She doesn't talk enough for anyone to really know."

"Hey, stop it," he says sternly, but I know he's not really angry. "Where'd you get such a mouth on you?"

"The same place you got your taste in women. What are these?" I climb over him to get the flowers, which are some generic kind I don't recognize. Not roses. I take a sniff of them as I sit back down. "They don't smell that good."

"That's too bad, because I got them for you."

"Shut up." I know he's baiting me, but I'll call his bluff if he wants me to. I take another sniff. "Why would you bring flowers for me?"

"Because you're the cutest little girl in the whole world!" Before I realize what he's doing he's leaned over to give me a big kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, gross!" I wipe it off with the back of my hand. "If you're gonna kiss me, at least do it right."

He laughs and says, "Sure, 'cause that's an appropriate way to behave with an eight year old."

"Will you fuck off? I'm in the seventh grade!"

"So how old does that make you?"

I hesitate. I hate this. "Thirteen."

"You're twelve. Your sister told me." He glances around, then says, "Don't you find it hot in here?" He makes a big production of pulling off his sweater, taking his time because he knows I'm watching him from the corner of my eye. Underneath he's wearing a long sleeved grey shirt, and he tosses the sweater onto the couch beside him.

We both turn as we hear Alice coming down the stairs behind us, and that's gotta be what it is about her. She may be a zombie, she may seem like the victim of too much shock therapy, but she's beautiful. She's wearing a simple dress and has a barrette in her hair, and she looks gorgeous. He stands up, watching her, and her mouth is characteristically unsmiling, but her eyes seem to sparkle when she sees him. That might just be my imagination; she hardly ever smiles or frowns, but he told me once that she smiles with her eyes, and that he can always tell when she's happy. But he might just be full of shit.

Not a word is exchanged between them as he walks over and kisses her, and I think I see the edge of her lips curl slightly upward. Then David calls over his shoulder "Don't stay up too late, kiddo!" as they disappear out the front door.

I glance over and notice that his sweater is still laying on the couch.

It's about midnight before I hear his car pull back into the driveway. I'm in bed with the blankets pulled up around me, wearing his sweater. There's enough of his cologne on it that it smells like him, and since I'm only half awake it seems a little like he's with me instead of out on a date with robot-girl.

I drag myself to the window and watch them get out of his car. They stand in the driveway talking, looking straight at each other, and he's all smiles while I can barely see her lips move. He should have a cattle prod to zap her with, but I guess that'd just make her clam up even more.

They're out there for a pretty long time, holding each other's hands, having a moment. David's eighteen and Alice is seventeen, it's not like I'm that much younger. I don't know how he even met her. Down at the coma ward, probably...

The sleeves of his sweater hang down past my hands, and I ball them up against my nose as I go back to bed. Eventually I hear the front door open, and Alice walks up to her room so quietly I can barely even tell she's there.

02

I can't believe what a retard she is.

This girl Jolene, one of my school-friends has her pink and purple cd player sitting on the asphalt outside the school, and she's putting in some crappy tape of some terrible pop band. "Watch this," she says, already tapping a foot to the beat that hasn't started playing yet. I turn away a little, not really wanting to see her dance, but it's like a plane crash. You've gotta watch, and our bus is always late on Wednesday so there's nothing else to do.

The music starts and this girl has no shame. You can tell she's done this a hundred times in her bedroom, but she's not embarrassed. She wants you to know how much work she put into it, she's going to be a dancer some day and there's no room for stage fright when you wanna be a dancer. No fear, no self-consciousness, but I don't see a hell of a lot of joy either. She's not doing this for attention or to get some kinda ego boost, she's doing it because she has to do it because she has to be a dancer. It's weird, the look on her face is so intent while she does her routine, and she never looks at any of us. If her eyes happen to connect they're always out of focus, looking past us. She's all about the performance. It's pretty fucked.

So all you can really do is try to get into it, and me and the other girls watching cheer her on while some boys around the corner collect rocks and threaten to throw them at us. I've got my fist in the air yelling "Yeah, go!" while Jolene thrusts each arm down one at a time to form an X, then raises them while wiggling her fingers. It couldn't be more embarrassing as David's car pulls up to the curb.

"Hey," he says, rolling down the window. "You need a drive?"

I feel blood rush to my face and I keep my eyes pointed down, not wanting to look at him. I know exactly what he looks like, he's watching with a big grin, just beaming at our stupidness, and when I look up I'm exactly right. I breathe slowly, my face blank as I open the car door and get inside.

"That was quite a performance," he says, watching the road but still smiling. "You do that a lot?"

"Did it look like I was doing that? It was Jolene, she's an idiot." I turn toward him. "Do you think I do things like that?"

"Hey, take it easy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. She was talented."

"She was pathetic. I mean, what the hell? I don't want to watch her do her stupid dance."

"You should dance with her sometime, I bet she needs a partner." Then he cracks up laughing as I turn to tell him off, but I decide not to waste my breath. What a stupid jerk.

Then he glances over and asks, "Is that my shirt?"

Another injection of embarrassment flows to my face as I pull my jacket closed. "Yeah, you left it."

"Hey, don't sweat it. Keep it if you like." He doesn't say anything else, and when I look over at him he's totally gloating.

"I only wore it because it was cold this morning."

He keeps grinning to himself like a moron and says, "Hey, sure. No problem."

03

Alice is in the shower and it usually takes her forever, so I don't even bother waiting. I walk downstairs, fighting off a yawn, and Holy Shit. There's David with no shirt on doing push-ups in my living room.

I plant myself against the wall before he sees me, my heart speeding up. I'm wearing a pair of panties and a t-shirt and I think I should probably get changed, but then I think fuck it, he's in my house for no reason without a shirt on. Let him be the uncomfortable one.

So I walk past him without a word and go into the kitchen to get some cereal. We've got Fruit Loops and Raisin Bran, and I know he's gonna expect me to eat the Fruit Loops... I actually go so far as to reach for the Raisin Bran, but I can't do it. It's just too disgusting.

He walks in as I'm pouring milk and says, "Hey."

"What are you doing here?" I ask, concentrating on the cereal.

"I stayed here last night. Your mom had to go visit a sick relative or something and she needed somebody to look after you."

"Heh. You getting paid for this gig?" I glance over and see that he still hasn't put on a shirt.

He sits at the counter with a banana. "Nope."

"Wait a minute, did you sleep with my sister?"

"Of course."

"So what was that like? A nice comforting block of wood to hold on to?"

"When are you going to start being nicer to her?"

"When are you going to put a shirt on?"

"When are you going to put on some pants?" He finishes his banana and watches me while I eat, and it makes me a little self-conscious. Putting a spoonful of cereal in your mouth shouldn't take this much concentration.

"How many pushups did you do?" I ask through a mouthful of cereal.

"Fifteen."

"Pfah! Fifteen? That's pathetic! Haven't you ever heard of 'drop and give me twenty'?" I point with my spoon, saying, "I think you better get back out there and give me at least five more."

"Hey, it's not like I'm trying to kill myself, it's just a wake up. You couldn't do fifteen, look at those little girl arms." He wraps one hand completely around my biceps. "My god, you're skin and bone! I don't know how you can lift that spoon."

"Fuck off, I'm strong enough. I'm not out there wrestling bears, there's no reason to be all built. And you're one to talk, you don't have any muscles."

"Feel this," he says, flexing his arm. "Go ahead."

I gotta admit, the bulge in his arm is bigger than I expected. I poke it skeptically and it feels hard, like a potato.

"Yeah, it's pretty big," I say, wrapping my hand part way around it. "I guess."

I'm still poking at him as Alice comes downstairs, her hair wet, and in her little mouse-voice she says, "Shouldn't you be wearing a shirt?"

He grins and stands up, taking her in his arms for a big good morning kiss. Then they stare into each other's eyes, he smiling and she doing that weird little thing where her "eyes are smiling" or whatever the fuck David calls it. I turn back to my cereal with a snort.

04

I'm watching tv and it's almost seven o'clock, which is when Alice always watches her dumb doctor show. It's just a glorified soap-opera as far as I can tell, but she thinks it's the best thing ever. She tried to explain it to me once, but it didn't go too well. She kept pausing and choosing her words in her little breathy voice, and every time I offered a word or urged her on she just took longer. It was ridiculous and painful. But when she comes down and sits on the couch I don't move or change the channel. If she wants to watch it she can ask, it wouldn't kill her to talk to me for a change.

So the show I'm watching ends, and the commercials go by and the next show starts and she doesn't say anything. I let it go for a couple of minutes and she just sits there, her hands folded in her lap. She wants to watch her show and it's killing her to miss it, but she won't say anything.

Finally I switch the channel and leave. I can't even stand to be around her, she just spends all day in her room, probably staring at some picture of David when he's not in the house sleeping with her. Do they have sex? I can't even imagine it, what would she do but lie there? The world's most realistic sex doll.

Surely she must have a picture somewhere. I've got her room more or less in disarray when her show ends and I see her at the doorway while I'm looking through one of her drawers. The pit of my stomach drops, I totally lost track of time, and her face doesn't change but I know I've done something I shouldn't have. Nobody goes into her room, it's just the rule. "I'm sorry," I say, getting to my feet and walking toward her. "I didn't mean, I was just-"

She grabs me by the collar and yanks me through her doorway, then pushes me down in the hallway. She doesn't look at me as she walks into her room and closes the door.

I don't know why I did that, I should just leave her stuff alone, but I thought if I could get a picture... why should she have a picture and not me? And why doesn't she have any fucking pictures anyway?

05

Alice is downstairs reading the newspaper while she eats some toast and I walk up to her, holding David's sweater behind me. She doesn't acknowledge me at all, even after I clear my throat.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I know I shouldn't be in your room."

"Why were you there?" she asks, so quietly that it's almost a whisper.

I don't know what to tell her, I figured I'd apologize and that'd be it. "I was just, I thought I lost... it doesn't matter, I won't do it again. Here," I say, holding out David's sweater. "This is David's, he left it here the other day."

She finally looks at me as she takes the shirt and says, "Thank you." Then she turns back to the newspaper and adds, "Please don't touch my things."

06

Ring, ring, ring, pickup, "Hello?"

"Hi," I say, smiling. "What're you doing?"

"Sarah?" David asks. "What's up, is something wrong?"

"Listen to you, 'is something wrong'. What would you do if there was, run right over and save me?"

"No, I'm sure you can look after yourself. You're a big girl."

"So why aren't you here making googly eyes at my sister? She's probably up in her room cutting herself right now."

"I'm seeing her later. So why are you calling, l'il Sarah? You lonely?"

"Yes. I want you to come over and make love to me right away." He doesn't answer immediately, and I laugh at him. "What, do you like that idea? You're a total pervert."

"Hey, you're the one who said it."

"I mean," I continue, "why else would you be going out with queen catatonia?"

"Nice, was that one of your vocabulary words this week?"

I break out my best David impersonation and say, "Oh Alice, touch my dick," and then in a little breathy voice answer, "Okay."

"Sarah! Watch your mouth!"

"But that's what it's like, right? She probably does anything you tell her. Stand on your head, clap three times, take your clothes off. 'Okay'."

"I mean it Sarah," he says, but I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's actually smiling on the other end. Maybe it's a bad sign that I can say whatever I want and he doesn't take it seriously.

"Fine, then if you're too busy to talk with me, the hell with you." I hang up the phone and go to the kitchen to get something to eat.

When he finally shows up later he decides to lean his elbow against my head as Alice comes downstairs. "You should have heard some of the things Sarah was saying on the phone today," he tells her.

"Shut up!" I say, wresting my head away.

Alice looks at me, and I think she looks worried. I dunno, I can't tell what the fuck she looks like. "Sarah called you?" she mutters.

"Don't worry, we're not moving away together," I say. "Don't be so dramatic." I smile and make my exit, and I imagine that David's glare is burning a hole in my back, but more likely he's just ignoring me.

07

"Hey, stop it!"

David pushes me down on the couch and starts tickling me, and I hate that, but I can't stop him. I start laughing so hard tears stream down my face, and it feels terrible, I can hardly even think straight with the feeling of his fingers up under my shirt, touching my skin. I'm doing everything I can to get away from him while he stays overtop of me, smiling at my total helplessness.

Alice comes downstairs and I expect David to stop, but he doesn't. He keeps tickling me right up until she's standing next to us. Finally he lets up and I lay on my side, trying to catch my breath, when he grabs the leg of my sweatpants and yanks them down. I scream as I try to pull them back up, but he pulls them completely off and tosses them across the room. "What are you doing?" Alice quietly asks as I scramble to get my pants. "Just showing her who's boss," David says with a smile, taking her by the hand. "Stay out of trouble," he calls over his shoulder as the two of them leave, and I watch them as I pull my pants back on. I don't think he necessarily had to prove that he could beat me in fight, I was just saying. He should learn to relax.

08

When David comes downstairs in a t-shirt and boxers after another night spent in Alice's room I'm stirring a cup of black coffee. I'd been procrastinating about drinking it, but now that he's here I have to do something with it.

"What's that?" he asks, getting an orange from the fridge.

"Coffee."

"Looks black."

"Yup."

He peels the orange while he watches me stare at the coffee cup, then says, "You gonna drink that?"

"...It's too hot."

"Why don't you put something in it? Some sugar or something. It'll taste better."

"No way. I mean, what's the point of drinking coffee with stuff in it? That's not real coffee."

"Fair enough." He eats a piece of the orange. "So why do you want to drink coffee?"

"I was thinking it'd be a good thing to do. I mean, I'm pretty tired in the morning, it'd help pick me up."

"Mm." He keeps eating the orange while I keep staring at the coffee cup.

"So your sister thinks I should be more gentle with you," he says eventually.

"She actually talked about me? That must be a first."

"Yeah, she doesn't talk about you much."

"What does she talk about, anyway? I can't even imagine having a conversation with her. It's always just little nods and tiny sentences."

"You ever tried talking with her?"

I look at him skeptically. "No, not really. Do you try talking to slugs? They're about as likely to initiate a conversation."

He shrugs. "So, you gonna drink that coffee or what?"

"Yeah." I stare at it for another few seconds, then bring the cup to my lips. The taste is disgusting, so totally bitter that I have to pull it away while my face scrunches up involuntarily. He laughs.

"Yeah," he says, finishing the orange and walking out of the kitchen. "Little kids hate coffee."

I've been sitting in Alice's closet for a really long time before her and David finally come home, and I kinda gotta pee. But now that they're here I sit up and stare through the crack in her closet door. I gotta see what it is they do in here.

They come upstairs quietly, probably not wanting to wake me up, and lock the bedroom door behind them. David stands behind her and kisses her neck as her arms reach up to run through his hair, and he undoes the neck of her dress. The front falls forward and all of a sudden, bam, there they are. Tits. It's a little shocking. Clothed one second, naked the next, and one of his hands moves around to cup her breast as the other reaches back to turn off the light.

Shit, I didn't think of that. Of course Alice wouldn't be the type who'd want the light on, then she might actually have to see something. They must be experts at this, because they get undressed and get into bed super quietly, and I can only hear the occasional sound of the bed creaking or my sister making some tiny gasp. I lean back against the wall of her closet, frowning in the darkness. This is really stupid. There's no way I can get out of here now, so I just sit listening to them hardly making noise.

10

I wake up disoriented, and enough light comes through the crack in the door that I know it's morning. Jesus jesus I need to fucking piss super fucking bad-

Peering through the crack I see that Alice and David are still asleep. I open the closet as quietly as I can and creep across the room, but I pause after I've opened the bedroom door. David's sleeping with his arm around Alice, and she's smiling, she's definitely smiling. I've never seen her smile that much before. It's kinda strange.

But I gotta lock the door behind me and go to the bathroom because I've never had to piss this badly in my life. I sit down on the toilet and it feels so good that I exhale one long breath, my eyes closed as my head slumps down against my knees. Fuck, fuck, I'm never doing that again...

11

I'm reading a book in the kitchen for school and it's actually not that bad, but after every chapter I gotta write a summary to prove that I read it. That's ridiculous, just because some goons in my class don't do work I gotta prove to some teacher that I actually did the reading. It's insulting.

Alice comes in and sits down across from me. I don't think anything of it and keep reading, but after a few minutes she talks to me.

I put the book down slowly. "What?"

She looks down at the table and doesn't answer. For almost a minute she sits there, and it's driving me nuts. I just wanna grab her and shake her, all I asked was what she said, would it kill her to repeat a couple of god damned words?

"Do you like David?" she finally asks, and I sigh. What a stupid question.

"Yeah, sure," I say, lifting up the book again but not actually reading it.

"I told him to be nicer to you," she says in her little girl voice. It sounds way more like a kid than mine does.

"Yeah, he told me." I glance up at her and smile. "We talk a lot when you're not around. I think he comes over sometimes when he knows you're not here just so we can talk."

She's quiet for a little while, then says, "I think we're going to get married."

"Oh really?" I lower the book enough for her to see my bemused expression. "You set a date?"

"I haven't asked him, but I think he'll ask me. Eventually."

It's weird to think of the fairytales that must go on in her head. She spends so much time in there that her fantasies must be pretty elaborate. I mean sure, maybe they'll get married someday, but I just know whatever's going on in her brain is all bluebirds and rainbows and crystal cathedrals. "So I imagine that won't be soon," I say. "You're only seventeen, you'll probably want to wait awhile."

"I don't know." She smiles a little. "Maybe."

"Yeah, well, y'know. In the meantime you might wanna get a cat or something."

12

Married... I'm laying in bed in the middle of the afternoon on top of the sheets and I don't know why it bugs me, it's not like I want to marry him. I just don't know why he's interested in her, there must be hundreds of normal girls his age in this city. And really, five years, that's not a lot of time. If I was thirty and he was thirty-five nobody'd think twice. If I was seven and he was twelve... no, I guess somebody'd be upset about that. But the point is that if I was just a little older he wouldn't treat me like such a kid. He probably only talks to me 'cause he thinks it's funny. My life is a dark room. One, big, dark, room... except it's light out and this room is small. I don't know why Alice gets the big room. This whole thing is bullshit.

13

I don't know why I like David. It's not like there's anything special about him. He's really a pretty boring guy. If he wrote a book it would be crappy, if he was in a band it would suck. It doesn't really make sense.

But I'm happy while I'm talking to him on the phone, and he asks me if Alice is there.

"Yeah, she's here. She can't use sign language over the phone, though."

"I don't want to talk to her, I just wanted to make sure she's there. Today's our six month anniversary," he tells me. "I'll be over soon, don't tell her I called."

"You got it, chief."

"Great, thanks." He hangs up before I have a chance to say anything else, but in a split second I formulate a plan. I go to the kitchen and throw out all the eggs, then march upstairs and bang on Alice's door.

"Alice!" There's no answer, so I bang harder. I don't have any time to waste here. "Alice!"

Her door opens and she peeks out. "Yes..?"

"We're out of eggs again and I'm tired of going to get them. Mom always makes me go and I don't see why you can't go for once in your life." I mash the money into her palm and say "Come on, I've gotta make dinner and I can't make an omelet until you go get them."

She steps into the hallway slowly and says "Okay..." Totally shell-shocked just because I asked her to do a simple thing.

I follow her downstairs and wait while she puts on her shoes, making sure she's out the door and on her way down the street before I go upstairs. The store's pretty far away, it should take her awhile.

Looking around for something to wear is a lost cause, I don't have anything even remotely sexy. I check mom's room but everything's too big, and there's no point in checking Alice's room. I found some lingerie in there that David must have bought for her, but that would be going a little far. And once again, it's too big for me anyway.

I look at myself in the mirror that hangs on my closet door and sigh. I'm only wearing a bra and panties and let's be honest, I don't need the bra. I look like a boy. It's really sad. I think it'd be worse if David were attracted to me, he'd have to have some real problems to find my body sexy.

I finally settle on a dress that I haven't worn in a few years, just because it's really small. It's a purple and pink floral thing, kinda ugly, but it only comes down to my mid-thigh. I dunno, I think maybe this might be hot... It's probably the closest I'm gonna get.

I was considering putting on some pantyhose, but that might seem a little obvious. Plus, if he noticed how bunched up they were under my dress to make up for my short legs it'd probably just make him laugh. I'm tired of making him laugh, I gotta get something else out of him. I gotta make him start thinking differently about me, I gotta drive a few spikes in. Maybe they won't take right away, but eventually, a few years from now when I'm old enough he'll leave my brain-dead sister and stay with me. I'm talking in the long run, so I've got plenty of time. I just have to stick with this.

I have time to put on a little makeup before David shows up, and I give him a big smile as I open the door. He's all dressed up, a suit and a tie, I guess he's planning on taking her somewhere fancy. "Bad news," I tell him. "Alice had to take off somewhere with mom. I'm sure she'll be back soon."

"Really? Shit." I sit down on the couch and he sits down next to me. "Where'd they go?"

"I dunno, they didn't say. I didn't wanna try to stop her, it mighta blown your cover."

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks."

"So where you taking her?" I wanna ask about something besides my sister, but I can't think of anything. He starts telling me about this restaurant he's got reservations at and how nice it is and I ask him if it's expensive and he says yes, and I let him blather on a little more as I kick off my shoes. I don't know how I should do this.

"Hey," I say, crawling over him. "I was looking for this." There's a picture of me and Alice on the table beside the couch, and I spend a moment looking at it with my butt stuck in the air. When I glance up at him he's looking down at me with his hands in the air, like he wants to pick me up and get me off him but doesn't want to touch me.

I take the picture and sit myself straddled across his lap, facing him. "Wasn't she cute in this pic?" I ask, pointing to Alice, who was about fourteen at the time.

He smiles. "Yeah, she showed me some photo albums. She was always cute. So how old are you in this picture? About five?"

He grins a big goofy smile, expecting me to get indignant, but I just look away as I place the picture on the couch. "Why do you say things like that?" I ask him. "Do you think I like being this young?"

"Sure, what's the matter with it? I had a great time as a kid."

"I don't want to be a kid. I suppose you probably put bugs in people's hair and played little league, but I don't wanna do that stuff. I'm tired of it."

"You'll grow up soon enough, don't worry about that. But in the meantime, would you mind getting off me? You're getting heavy."

I look at him. "Why, is it so bad to have me close to you? Am I just some kind of annoyance? If Alice were here, would you make her get off?"

"I don't see what this has to do with her," he says, looking all confused. Man, what a dumb guy.

"I'm just getting tired of you spending all your time with her. You and me barely ever get to talk."

"Yeah," he says slowly. "Well, she is my girlfriend..."

"But why? What do you see in her? What could anybody see in her?"

"Hey, watch it," he says, lowering his brow.

"What's your problem? Why do you always have to defend her?"

"You want me not to say anything when you insult my girlfriend?"

"She's my sister, I can say what I want! And I'm not insulting her, I just want to know why you hang around with her so much? What is there to gain? Do you actually like her? I mean, how could you? Why don't we just paint a face on a big rock for you, wouldn't that be as good? Is it sex? Is she just a sex toy to you?"

"Jesus! Listen to yourself! How can you be so-"

"What? What am I being? A bitch? Just because I don't clam up all the time? So something happened to her as a kid, I don't even know what it is, so somebody felt her up or something, who cares? What excuse does that give her to be so distant all the time?" He seems a little shocked, just staring at me, so I stare back. "Is that why you like her, so you'll have somebody to look after? Somebody who needs you? Why, why would you waste your life? Who the fuck cares about her?"

I hear a noise and look up to see that Alice has dropped the carton of eggs on the floor, and I have no idea how she got back so soon. Her placid face has curled into a frown that looks almost funny on her, I've never seen her lips move so far downward. She brings her hands up to her face as David turns to see her, pushing me roughly to the floor. My back slams into the coffee table and I reach back to hold it as he grabs my other arm and yanks it so hard it feels like it's going to come out of its socket. He drags me to her and says, "Apologize to her!"

"Come on, she's just-"

"Apologize!"

I look up at the angry expression on his face and he doesn't seem even remotely cute anymore. Why am I supposed to apologize, because she feels bad? Fuck that.

I try to stand up but he's got a hand on my head to hold me down, so I squirm out of the way. "No," I say, getting to my feet. "Why should I apologize? I've spent my whole life tip-toeing around so I wouldn't disturb this robot bitch! Why do you want anything to do with her? She's broken!" I stare straight into her glassy eyes and yell "You're fucking broken!"

She starts to cry as her knees begin to slowly bend, and David holds on to her to keep her from falling. Even her crying is quiet, and the last thing I see as I walk up the stairs is her being held by him, her face buried against his clothes and her arms clamped around him like a vice.

14

I sit on one of the swings at the park, watching my feet drag lazily across the ground. I couldn't stay in the house, laying in my room and knowing that Alice was right down the hall in her bedroom, crying on David's shoulder. It was too much. So I left the house and walked the couple of blocks to the playground. On my way here I noticed the convenience store they'd built last month. I'd forgotten all about that.

I've been sitting on the swing for about half an hour, about two hours since I'd yelled at Alice when I hear footsteps behind me. Looking back I see David, and he doesn't seem upset. I turn away and lean my head against the chain of the swing, frowning slightly. He crouches down behind me and slides his arms around my waist. I squirm a little, not trying too hard to get away from him, but still feeling a little uncomfortable. "How'd you know I was here?" I mumble. "Alice said you come here sometimes," he answers quietly, his mouth next to my ear. "And you know, little kids like swings." "Are you still gonna call me a little kid? After today? Jesus." "You're lucky I think of you as a kid," he says, his voice a shade darker. "I'd only put up with what you did today from a child. I'd only put up with it from someone who doesn't know better." I bite my bottom lip and turn my head away, but I don't say anything.

"I know you know better," he says. "I know you're not a kid. But I'm gonna pretend you are, because I like you too much to have to stop talking to you just because you made one dumb mistake. So play along, because for an adult there'd be no excuse for what you said."

I feel the same flood of emotion I felt two hours ago and I want to ask him why there's no excuse, what's so bad about what I did and why he cares about her, but I hold it back. Instead I ask him, "So what happened to her? Why is she like that?"

He sighs. "I don't think I'm the one to tell you, and I don't think she could explain it if she wanted to. And if your mom hasn't told you yet, then maybe there's a good reason." He sighs again, staring out at the playground and says, "Maybe when you're older."

We stay there for a few moments, and I really do like the feeling of his arms around me, his head on my shoulder, his smell. I rock a little in the swing, taking my hands from the chains and letting them fall into my lap, where they rest gently against his arms.

"What I don't understand is why you'd do that," he says. "Why would you say those things to your sister? I know you have a crush on me-" I pull away, but his arms hold me tight, so I give in and stay still. "But that's no reason to treat her that way. You know that she's delicate, she can't deal with that kind of abuse, and especially not from you." He glances over at me and says, "She loves you."

I look down. "I don't see why, she doesn't have any reason to."

"You're her sister, I don't think she needs a reason. Don't you love her?" I think about it, and honestly I don't. I can't, there isn't enough of her to love, she's not like a real person. That's why I can't stand David being with her, that's why I can't understand why he's doing this. Married? Married, what kind of marriage is that? What kind of mother would she be, what kind of life would-

I draw a deep breath and say, "Yeah, I love her." There's no sense rehashing this. It's not gonna reach him anyway.

"Good. Because I'm in love with her." He gives me a kiss on the cheek and says, "And I love you too. Don't forget that. Alice is my girlfriend, but I'm glad she has you as a sister, because I hate to think what it would be like if I'd never met you. My life is so much better because of knowing you, Sarah."

I blush. Stupid, cheesy, sentimental crap that he probably doesn't even mean, he's just saying what I want him to say, but it makes me smile anyway. He smiles too, then lets me go as he stands up. "I'm going back to the house, Alice is still in a pretty bad state, but she wanted me to check on you. And I wanted to check on you too, because we both care about you," he adds.

"Yeah yeah, give it rest, Dr Smooth. Go ahead, I'll see you at the house later." I spin a little in my swing, but not enough to turn all the way around, saying, "And tell her I'm sorry."

"I will." He pats me on the head. "Later, kiddo."

I wait a few minutes on the swing, making sure he's well out of sight before I get up and go to the convenience store. I get a black coffee and stare at it for a few seconds, remembering how bad it tastes, so I put a bunch of sugar and cream in it. The guy at the counter looks at me a little funny as I hand over the money.

I try my best to drink it, but it's still terrible even with all the stuff in it. So halfway home I take a last drink and throw it out. Grownups can keep their coffee, they must be stupid to drink it in the first place.